Value + Perception
What we all value or perceive as valuable is unique to all of us. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," "one man's trash is another man's treasure," and "different strokes for different folks" are all commonly used phrases that point out that everyone views value differently. A diamond doesn't lose its value simply because someone doesn't recognize it or want it. The same is true about your value. What's also true is that someone cannot appreciate or recognize the value within someone or something if they don't possess it themselves. For example, if someone doesn't have the value of honesty, they will not feel it's immoral to lie nor understand why it's an issue for some people. It doesn't make either person wrong, it just makes them misaligned.
The same is true for what we perceive as valuable. This is why engaging in connections and entering commitments aligned with your values is important. When seeking a romantic partner, too many people confuse similar interests with true compatibility. While having similar interests can be fun and easy on the surface, it's far more important to have your needs and values aligned in a partnership for long-term success. You can have friendships based on similar interests but you cannot have a lasting relationship with misaligned needs and values. If you are seeking a partner while the person you're dating is only seeking companionship, the both of you are misaligned. The person seeking partnership will never feel satisfied with the level of effort and depth in the relationship and the person wanting companionship will feel the other person has unreasonable or high expectations of them that they have no desire to meet. Again, neither person is wrong in this dynamic but they are misaligned.
Misalignment of values in any area of your life will be painful and a source of continued frustration and contention until you take action and make a change. This can show up as being frustrated by your job and complaining about it until you actively seek and choose employment elsewhere that's more aligned with your values. It can also be feeling miserable in a relationship because you're repeating the same cycles or having the same arguments until you either seek outside support to get your relationship to a healthy place or leave the relationship altogether.
While varying values make us all unique, it's the most common point of contention behind conflicts, misalignment, and hurt feelings. We've all been there. One moment you're having a great interaction and the next there's that uncomfortable feeling of unease in the pit of your stomach or you're fighting your inner rage demon from being unleashed, potentially creating irreparable damage from a simple comment or perspective being shared. The rub here generally relates to what you value and a perceived threat to said value. That inner rage demon or ugly pit in your stomach is caused by your ego (personal threat detector and defender of self) and your nervous system becoming activated. This is natural, normal, and what your amazing body is designed to do but can cause unnecessary chaos in your connections if you're not self-aware, misaligned, or are emotionally immature, of which over 50% of adults fall into that category.
Before I dive into identifying your values, I feel it's important to touch on the subjects of the ego and nervous system activation. I have other blogs that go into these concepts more deeply, so peruse the archives if you feel called to learn more.
The nervous system is that part of your body that unconsciously scans the environment for potential threats to your safety. The ego is your mind that creates the narrative of what that 'threat' means. Since 90% of the brain is unconscious, the vast majority of what the mind creates are bullshit stories based on fear and unconscious beliefs (these beliefs can be yours but most often stem from the beliefs of family or others you care deeply about and value the opinion of) that are not based on reality. This is why it's so important not to believe every thought you think.
Nervous system activation (a.k.a. being triggered or being activated) varies from a small whisper of frustration (generally irritation and annoyance) to a giant roar of anger, rage, or violence. If you ignore the whispers, your body will continue to escalate its signals until it gets your attention. If you have a nervous system attuned to chaos, you will never hear the whispers, only the roars. This looks like being seemingly fine one minute (trust me this was never true, you just missed the signals) to enraged the next. Being in a state of disconnect with your body along with lacking self-awareness and emotional maturity is a dangerous combination with harmful consequences to yourself and those you care about. Abuse and violence often stem from this space because emotional maturity is required to process complex or overwhelming emotions. Someone who lacks that awareness often resorts to physical forms of releasing those uncomfortable feelings and pent-up energy. Violence is the outward manifestation of inner turmoil and distress. The violence may be directed towards inanimate objects or others and always has damaging effects mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically for those involved. This is why emotional immaturity and lack of awareness are dangerous and something I will not allow in any connection or environment. I've learned this lesson the hard way over and over and have zero desire to ever repeat it.
If you grew up in a chaotic environment or dysfunctional family system then your nervous system is misaligned. The most common cause of a misaligned nervous system is growing up with primary caregivers (not everyone grows up with their birth parents) who are emotionally unavailable and/or immature which leads to unmet needs in childhood. This happens in family systems of all kinds, even the ones that appear to be 'perfect', stay together, or are close-knit, and the lasting effects of this will have you unconsciously searching outside yourself to fill unmet childhood needs until you do the healing work and learn to meet those needs yourself (a.k.a. reparenting or inner-child healing).
Growing up in dysfunction leads to a misaligned nervous system that feels comfortable in unhealthy or harmful environments and connections but uncomfortable in healthy connections and environments. Essentially your internal guidance is pointed South but feels like it's pointing true North. Since your nervous system is a literal replica of your primary caregiver's, you will unconsciously repeat the same patterns and possess the same negative internalized beliefs until you become conscious of them and take action to change them by rewiring your nervous system to healthier patterns and beliefs. This is why you keep repeating the same negative cycles even though you believe you're consciously choosing differently. Different story, same outcome. If your internal compass is still set to chaos, you'll run straight toward it every single time no matter how hard you try to avoid it.
Filling voids and numbing the pain you feel (mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually) disconnects your body from your mind and further distorts your perception of reality, misaligning your internal compass even more. Void-filling and numbing behavior can be using drugs daily (yes THC/weed and nicotine are included here), drinking daily or to the point of numbing, doom-scrolling, surface-level or casual relationships, excessive partying or socializing, bed-rotting, avoidance of responsibility, unhealthy sexual behaviors (excessive self-pleasure, sex for validation, casual hook-ups, sneaky links, friends with benefits), unhealthy eating behaviors (restriction, binging, and emotional eating), or anything else that takes you out of your body or numbs your senses (a.k.a. addictions). This is important to understand because as long as you continue to allow these to be present in your life you cannot heal and redirect your internal compass. All void-filling behaviors do is dull your senses, keep your vibe or energy low (a.k.a. energy vampires), and only reinforce your internalized feelings of unworthiness. Void-fillers are soul-crushing. While they may bring temporary satisfaction and relief, they never lead to long-term fulfillment. These behaviors stem from unhealed childhood pain and persist due to unconsciousness around unmet needs. Understanding the underlying reasons and triggers for void-filling behaviors is crucial for ending them.
Unmet childhood needs can feel like an insatiable desire that is never met no matter how much outside fulfillment you get or a rejection of that need altogether. One example of how this can show up in romantic partnerships is never feeling close to your partner no matter how much time you spend together, never feeling satisfied with the amount of attention you receive, and viewing space and time apart from your partner as a threat. The opposite can happen as well where you reject people who openly show affection but run towards those who reject you (emotional unavailability), feel uncomfortable with physical or emotional closeness yet crave it (can also be a sign of disorganized attachment), or push away those who care about you because you view them as 'clingy' or 'codependent' due to craving an abnormal amount of physical and emotional space in partnership (ahem - hyper independence trauma response much).
These opposing feelings stem from the same place - a lack of proper nurturing from your primary caregivers and they will have you either reject love or search for it outside yourself in all the wrong places due to the unconscious misaligned compass. Whether the lack of childhood nurturing stemmed from physical or emotional distance (or both), the internalized belief as a child is that you are unlovable. As a child you believed that something about you was 'bad' and you were the sole reason your parent didn't love you like your siblings or friend's parents loved them, making you feel unworthy of love. As a child, you lacked the understanding that you had an emotionally unavailable and emotionally immature parent who passed on their internalized belief of being unworthy of love because they never took the responsibility to challenge and change that belief. This is how generational, cultural, and ancestral trauma is passed down from generation to generation. Someone must break the pattern to avoid passing it on.
If this resonates for you, then the partner you have attracted (past, present, or both) or continue to attract will possess the opposite polarity of this 'unlovable' or 'unworthiness' wound until you heal this part of yourself - which ironically is done most effectively within a safe and loving partnership btw! That's why shying away from romantic love until you're 'healed' or 'love yourself enough' is total BS. Humans are social beings and need support from others to heal and feel fulfilled. Other people are mirrors, reflecting what we both love and reject within ourselves. The deepest and most transformative healing can only happen within a romantic partnership because of the way they activate your core wounds. In an unhealthy or trauma-bonded relationship, this activation will be painful often leading to separation but in a healthy relationship, this will be loving and deepen your connection to each other and yourselves.
How you perceive yourself, others, and the world around you influences what you value. This is why it's so important to understand your nervous system and your ego first. Without having consciousness of where your values stem from, how can you determine if it's truly a value that stems from a place of authenticity or from ego, pride, or fear? Your core wounds and unconsciousness (a.k.a. shadow self: the parts of yourself you either reject or pretend don't exist) will have you clinging to beliefs, people, places, or things that aren't in alignment with your authentic self (the highest and truest version of you). If you struggle to let go of past romantic partners, fake friends, toxic family, a toxic job, or anything else that no longer serves your highest good, the attachment is likely tied to a value.
Let's say a value you have is inclusivity. While this is a noble quality and one that I have, the shadow of this value is engaging with people who are unhealthy for you because you don't want anyone to feel excluded or rejected. An unconscious unmet childhood need behind this value can be feeling rejected by one or both of your primary caregivers or siblings. This was true for me and manifested in my being attracted to unhealthy people, places, or things (rejection wound manifesting as fixing behaviors) because I was unconsciously seeking them out with a misaligned internal compass, lacked proper boundaries, and had poor self-esteem which all stemmed from my unconscious and unresolved childhood wounds. The same reasons I unconsciously sought out dysfunction also kept me stuck, almost bound, to what wasn't in my highest good until the pain of remaining finally became too much. Surpassing my pain threshold (where the tolerable meets the intolerable) was what drove me to finally let go. Now that I have the awareness that it's an act of love for both parties to let go of what no longer serves, it has been much easier for me to let go and move on from unhealthy people and environments without the need to stay in the toxicity (a.k.a. fuck around and find out). Today my value of inclusivity comes with a beautiful caveat...inclusive unless harmful to me or others.
So what are values and how do you determine what yours are? Values are a set of a person's principles or standards of behaviors and one's judgment of what is important in life. Examples of values are: compassion, courage, integrity, creativity, responsibility, gratitude, honesty, loyalty, achievement, curiosity, dependability, adaptability, authenticity, generosity, humility, innovation, accountability, kindness, adventure, altruism, fairness, freedom, and boldness.
What we all value and the importance placed upon each value is unique to each of us, which is why sometimes values and perceptions of value may unintentionally cause conflict or contention. If you value freedom but perceive another person to be encroaching upon it, your nervous system will become activated (the body detects a threat) and your ego (the mind - both conscious and unconscious) will start telling you a story about it and what it means. And what did I say earlier about the mind? Don't believe every thought because 90% of what it's telling you is complete BS! Your values, perceptions, needs, nervous system, ego, past unresolved pain, and the unconscious all combine to paint a perception of the person or situation as either safe or unsafe for you to engage with. This perception can vary heavily depending on if you naturally lean more towards optimism or pessimism and what the combined average outcome of your past similar experiences is. But most important to note here is that it's just your perception and not the reality. Much more information and time is needed to determine what's real.
Going back to the example I gave above, in that instance there's a perceived threat that the other person is attempting to stifle your freedom which is solely based on feelings and a fear-based story with little to no facts to base that perception on. We are all guilty of this behavior from time to time, even the most self-aware of us! But guess what, your perception of what is happening is rarely the reality. This is why asking clarifying questions is so important if you feel unsure about someone or something.
How many times have you thought something was going to turn out one way but ended up with a completely different outcome? This is one example of how the ego (the mind)is trying to keep you safe by attempting to predict an outcome or talk you out of something to avoid a perceived pain (emotional or physical). While this is super helpful for avoiding real pain, avoiding everything out of fear or your ego often results in you accepting less than what you deserve in life, staying stuck, or not going after what you want for fear of being hurt, repeating a past painful experience, or being disappointed.
When your head and heart are out of alignment, that's when patterns of overthinking come in out of fear and anxiety. You can easily overthink your way out of a blessing if you allow your ego and pride to overrule your heart! Guilt, shame, and feelings of unworthiness will have you in a chokehold (and not in a good way) every single time if you allow it. The best way to bust through overthinking is radical self-acceptance and self-compassion mixed with intentional action. If you fear rejection, you're already rejecting yourself and what you desire by not going after it so you might as well try.
I know this is a longer post but bear with me because all the context is necessary to drive this last part home.
Your perception of reality is rarely accurate and is often skewed by your past, unconsciousness, emotions, ego, pride, and the various other themes I covered in this post. What you can trust is that your values will lead you down the right path every time as long as they're rooted in authenticity. When you take on values from others as your own, it will lead you down the path of living a life that is inauthentic to you. The same is true for others in your life. If they are operating out of a place of ego or inauthenticity, their perception of you and your value will change the moment you don't show up in a way that serves them.
So the next time you feel snubbed, devalued, misunderstood, activated, rubbed the wrong way or hurt by the choices or actions of another, check in with yourself to see if it was a case of misalignment. Take the time to understand how and why the misalignment occurred and how you can make healthier choices in the future rooted in your values and honoring your needs. We all deserve to be in connections and environments where we feel valued. The best way to ensure this happens is to understand your needs and values and only entertain connections and environments that are aligned.